Some Reflections on What I Learned in 2015
I am sure many of us find ourselves feeling energized this week as we begin another new year, having had time during the Holidays to reflect on our personal and professional accomplishments over the past year. This process of intense self-reflection is in many ways akin to the annual performance review process we go through with our employer and becomes a critical component in helping us formulate specific goals for the new year. To borrow a phrase coined by the late, great former Mayor of New York City, Ed Koch, it’s a chance to ask ourselves and see “How’m I doing”?
This year I decided to try something a little different than the reflective exercises I have done in the past. As I was completing my most recent video project to celebrate the engagement of our oldest daughter a few weeks ago, I listened to a great hit song from 1973 by the English band The Faces called Ooh La La. I was a senior in high school when I first heard the song but wasn’t really focused on it’s catchy refrain “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger”, only the unmistakable vocals of Ronnie Wood and Rod Stewart. As time passed on, I would hear the song every now and then and always just loved that great sound. I can remember my son playing the song a few years ago while I drove him to school one morning but the refrain still didn’t resonate for me. But then last month when I heard the song again, it was a totally different response. That refrain “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger” finally jumped out at me begging for an answer. It was as if the song were asking me in a very personal way — Coach K, what did you really learn during this past year as a professional coach and in your personal life? Or more succinctly, what does Coach K wish that he knew now that he didn’t know when he was younger?
The song presented a perfect opportunity to deeply reflect on some major changes going on in both my personal and professional life. On the personal front, my wife and I are true empty nesters now as we continue to adapt to a home environment where our three adult children no longer live with us, with one daughter in NYC, another daughter in San Francisco, and our son now in Los Angeles. And, as admittedly older members of the “Sandwich Generation”, we have faced some very difficult emotional moments caring for my wife’s aging parents as well as the care we provide for my Mom. On the professional side, hearing this song again allowed me to ponder what I had learned thus far as a life, career, and executive coach since launching my new firm Kirnan Coaching Associates, LLC as well as my professional affiliation with The Five O’Clock Club.
So over the Holidays, I penned some insights on some of the powerful things I learned in 2015. Here then are some of the things “I wish that I knew … when I was younger” and I hope it can serve as a powerful reminder to never stop learning about ourselves or the broader community that we are a part of and engage in no matter how old we are or where we may be in our own life journey:
Number 1: Life moves pretty fast; you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!
This quote is a famous line from the 1986 movie classic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and one that I believe resonates with everyone but even more so as you get older. I thought about this quote as I was putting together the engagement video for our daughter and her fiancé. Like many families, we had compiled a pretty long list of our favorite movies as our children were growing up. As you search through all of those precious photos and video clips that capture those special moments in life, some common questions jump out at you and provoke great conversation and reflection — questions like “Wow, where did all the time go?” “Remember that time back in 1993 (pick any year) when we did that!” Or comments like “I can’t believe what great neighbors we had!” “Pennington (or your hometown) was such a great town to raise a family.”; or, even comments like “I wish I didn’t lose contact with ….” (could be any number of people who helped you or your children along the way)
As compelling as the Ferris Bueller quote may be today as it was back in 1986, we all know that life often gets in the way of the very things we know will help us get closer to our own sense of fulfillment. But the quote is a helpful reminder to be more self-aware of where we might be in our own wheel of life and the important components that define our wheel. How do we really feel about each of the core components of our wheel — Our spouse/significant other? Family and friends? Our career? Our financial situation? Our health and wellness? Personal development? Our spirituality and sense of community? Have I taken enough time to see some of the interconnections that often exist between each component of my wheel? Are their specific goals or action steps I want to take in a particular area of my wheel?
I have found that spending just 15-30 minutes on a simple exercise like this can provide you with greater clarity as you begin the new year. So my special thanks to Ferris Bueller for reminding me that in 2016 and beyond, I need to be ever more mindful of just how fast life is moving all around me and that there are things I can do that are in my control to help me manage through it.
Number 2: Losses in life are cumulative and each one must be fully grieved.
The issue of loss in life has been a continual struggle for me personally but one that I made major progress on in 2015. I realize now that I had never fully understood nor completed the 5 stages of grief that one must go through when you lose a loved one. For me, losing an older brother unexpectedly when you are 17 years old was a life-altering moment that was incredibly painful and difficult and changed me in ways that I am only now beginning to fully understand. Like many people who experience loss, I had suppressed for many years a lot of those inner feelings we all go through when we lose someone precious in our life – feelings of denial, anger, fear, blame, and yes even guilt. It wasn’t until my father passed away almost 40 years later that I was able to fully comprehend how valid each of these stages of grief really are and how all losses in life tend to be cumulative. Any loss of life — a parent, grandparent, a child, your spouse, a close friend or a colleague – can bring back painful memories of all of those earlier losses in your life. I realize now how important it is to work through each stage of the grieving process for each of the losses we bear in our lives. And, the losses we face in life are not just measured by the people close to us who have passed away but also include other real, painful and emotional losses like the loss of a job or profession; the loss of a relationship through divorce or separation; or even the continued strain of a family relationship or friendship. The concept of loss really has no boundaries and we need to fully grieve each loss because every loss is unique in its own way. And these individual losses are cumulative and can extract a heavy emotional and even physical toll on our well-being.
During the past year, I was fortunate to join two support groups – a Men’s Prayer Group at St. Catharine’s Church and another larger organization called the Catholic Men’s Breakfast Group that connects men within the Diocese of Trenton. It’s really incredible to be a part of a family where grown men can open up freely and deeply amongst ourselves on any issues we may be struggling with, without feeling any guilt or fear that others are passing judgment on us. I have learned that allowing yourself to be vulnerable among such supportive and loving friends, can become an incredible source of inner strength and provide you the energy and conviction you need to move past whatever roadblocks may be standing in your way. This experience calls to mind those powerful words from Isiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.
Number 3: Love yourself each and every day; otherwise you can’t help those who really need us in their lives.
This insight is still very difficult for me as I think it would be for most people. My youngest daughter has really helped me understand how important this concept can be to your daily life, especially if one of your core values and missions in life is to help others. Loving and acknowledging yourself is not something that comes naturally to me and most people but the more I reflect on the concept of loving oneself, I realize how critically important it can be, especially when we are weak, feeling wounded emotionally, or feel stuck by the grind of everyday life. Even on a dark day or a day that doesn’t seem to be going the way we wanted it too, if we look deep enough, there’s probably something we could acknowledge and love about ourselves, even if it’s that pint of vanilla ice cream I have been known to consume after dinner on most nights. As my wife would often say “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
It’s very easy to fall into the pit of excessive self-loathing and our incessant need to judge ourselves, both of which can be unhealthy and sabotage our best and most noble efforts. Why are some of us always looking for things that we need to work on (BTW, mine is a long list)? Why do we relive the things we didn’t say or do but should have said or done? Why do we look back at the times where we were selfish or made someone feel small with a hurtful comment? Why do many employees often come out of an annual performance review focused on the 1 or 2 things that they need to work on but then neglect acknowledging themselves for the many positive things they did accomplish during the year? So, I am going to try a little harder in 2016 to acknowledge and love myself every day because I now know it could help me become not just a more wholesome person, but a more supportive and effective coach to the very clients I am blessed to work with.
Number 4: Falling down in life – literally and figuratively — is more the norm than the exception. Finding the strength to get back up again allows you to experience the fullness and richness of life again.
There are several people in my life who by their sheer example have given me newfound energy and the inner strength to face any challenge, dark cloud or adversity that may come my way in life. My Mom, who will turn 88 in February, is a living example of how to get back up again after you fall down in life. Her example is inspirational because the image of someone you love falling down is both a literal and figurative one to draw on. Figuratively speaking, there are many examples where Mom faced real adversity: moving 10 different times before the age of 16; losing your oldest son when he was only 19; watching your husband never recover from a significant job loss and then living with the added pressure of now being the family’s major breadwinner; losing your husband of 63 years and 5 of your 6 siblings. And then there are the literal examples of Mom actually falling down as her health has deteriorated in recent years. Painful falls, difficult physical therapy regimens, and yet she always finds the inner strength to answer the bell, getting back up again and again and always fighting for another day until God says it’s time.
I also have an incredibly loving and supportive brother-in-law who faced the adversity of a life-threatening colon and liver cancer diagnosis during the summer of 2014 with great strength, courage, and an incredible determination to do everything in his power to fight through it. We call him “The Provider” because his number one mission in life is to take care of my sister, their 4 terrific children and anyone else in our extended family and his own family where he can lend a helping hand. And while all of that was going on, he had to deal with the pain and heartbreak of losing his Dad and navigate an extremely challenging job situation. Yet, here we are nineteen months later after many, many rounds of chemotherapy and multiple surgeries, and he is thankfully cancer free, a survivor, alive and well, and ready to tackle any challenge that may come his way. He never once stayed down after the fall, he always found the strength to get back up and live again and we all thank God for that.
And then there’s the example of a new friend in my life that I am so fortunate to have who despite an upbringing in one of the worst crime and drug-infested neighborhoods of NYC that would break most hearts, gives you such happiness and energy to just be around him, to see his passion for life and to watch in awe as he completes his Masters degree this coming May. And, he is only 25 years old. A person who after spending time with him down in south NJ or in Philadelphia, you get back in your car for the long ride back to the Jersey Shore and as you are driving up the NJ Turnpike you suddenly find yourself singing as loud as you can to your favorite song with the windows down even when it is raining outside! What an incredible and inspirational young man to now be a part of my life.
So I hope that in 2016 and beyond, in those moments where I may fall down literally or figuratively like my Mom, my brother-in-law or my good friend Michael, I can find the inner strength they have shown to get back up again and live again until God decides our job is done.
Number 5: It’s not always about me!
Looking back, I am amazed now at how often a conversation I may have had with someone where there was some history of personal conflict wasn’t really about me even though on many, many of those occasions, I tried to make the conversation all about me. It’s as if my default setting in these conflicted situations was hard wired to interpret everything through the prism of only my lens, one with a long-established pattern of behavior that could often be backward-looking and counterproductive. I realize now that very often the other person in these conflicted conversations really just needed to be heard, to feel validated for how they were seeing things. In short, it wasn’t always just about me even though I had a tendency to interpret the conversation in precisely that way. The conversations may have had more to do with someone pre-occupied with their own set of unique life challenges but unsure of what’s the best way to address them.
Sometimes people just need to be heard, not judged or criticized and the conversation dynamic that presents itself may be a poor barometer of where the relationship really stands with that person. I realize now that in the future I have a real opportunity to let go of some of that old wiring we all carry. I now know I can try and work harder to create some new wiring that can advance a conversation in a new direction, one that can hopefully be more productive, positive and forward looking and not one stuck in the same ‘ol past.
Number 6: Pain from the past can reappear at anytime, often without advance notice.
Many of us have experienced painful losses in our past and we work hard at trying to understand them and work through them so we can move forward in our life. I have shared several of my own painful experiences in other articles I have written for Coach’s Corner With Dr. K. Of course working in the capacity as a professional life, career, and executive coach, many clients open up and share some of their own painful experiences and how they are trying to work through them so they can place them in their own rear view mirror. Working through anything in your life that is deeply personal and painful takes great courage, inner strength, commitment, and persistence. The elation you feel when you successfully work through that painful experience is almost indescribable. It’s as if that incredibly heavy cross you have been carrying on your back doesn’t seem so heavy anymore. Your mind is free of any clutter; you feel much lighter on your feet and ready to dance; and your energy and confidence levels are noticeably higher.
Like many of my clients, I had worked hard during the last few years to get something painful in the past into my own rear view mirror. However, in 2015, I realized that painful periods from an earlier part of your life can reappear at anytime without advance notice. That painful experience can reappear in our home life, in our personal and family relationships, and of course even at the office. The pain can resurface in many different ways – during a conversation with someone where there’s been a history of conflict; seeing an old photo; looking at old documents in a file cabinet; or, even hearing a song or watching an old movie. They all have the power to bring you back quickly to a time and place you had thought was safely and permanently in your rear view mirror. When that pain reappears, it is as if you are reliving that painful history all over again, with the same set of emotions, the same habits and tendencies, and those same dreaded self-limiting beliefs of your inner self. You then have to grudgingly accept the harsh reality that the hard wiring in your brain of all of those painful moments you thought had withered and died are actually still there.
Reliving some of that past pain was the most difficult hurdle I had to jump over in 2015 but thankfully because of my incredible family, some great friends, and my new support groups, I continue to work through it. I am trying to live much more in the moment because each moment quickly becomes your most recent past and if you can live each moment the way you would like to live each moment, then you are creating new history that can be more positive than the painful history you are trying to push back into your rear view mirror. The goal is to create as many positive experiences as you possibly can so that there’s ultimately no more room left for those painful ones. Working through the pain of the past has called to mind a great quote from scripture that really hits home for me — 1 Corinthians 13:7 “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”. I truly believe that love can and will conquer all things.
Number 7: Things are not always as they may appear at first glance – bigger issues may loom under the surface.
This insight was stressed repeatedly in all of the training and coursework I took at NYU and my experience in the field as a professional coach has only reinforced it. It’s amazing to me how many clients I work with will come to you with a very specific goal in mind – e.g., to find a new job; to transition to a new and different industry; to address a performance issue in their present position; or even just some specific personal goals they may want to work on.
Invariably as the coaching conversations proceed, other “under the surface” issues tend to appear, often becoming a more important issue to address in the coaching engagement than the issue that first brought us together. Clients begin to see the interconnections and conflicts that can sometimes emerge when the issues under the surface begin to break through the iceberg. As a coach, there’s no better feeling than when you see one of your clients successfully break through that huge iceberg that had been holding them back and then watch the energy and enthusiasm they exude as they identify specific action steps and strategies that can effectively address their specific dilemmas.
Number 8: There is no greater gift in life than the time you spend with those you love.
I close my reflections for 2015 with the most memorable insight from Christmas Day itself. My family and I drove down to the nursing home in Pennsylvania where my wife’s parents reside to allow our children to say what will likely be their final goodbye to the grandparents they love so dearly and who were major influences on their lives. It has been an extremely long and difficult journey for the past two years, with Jean’s Mom now in hospice care and her Dad suffering from dementia. We were both struck at how much time each of our children wanted to spend with their grandparents, especially since Grandma can no longer speak or move her limbs – just a little bit with the fingers in her left hand. You could read the happiness in Grandma’s eyes and feel her loving presence as each of our children talked about the various things going on in each of their lives, even showing her some photos of the engagement party we had just held at our house a week earlier.
As my wife and daughters were getting ready to leave, we noticed that our son wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet to his Grandpa and so we proceeded to wait for him in the hallway for another 45 minutes before he finally came out. There was something incredibly beautiful and poignant about that moment, a grandfather and a grandson carrying on a final conversation about life. Pat had made not only his grandfather’s day a very special one, but he had made it special for all of us as well. There is perhaps no greater gift, no greater expression of your love for someone than the gift of time you have to spend with those you love. What a moment to celebrate and one my wife and I will treasure forever.
Just Like Johnny Nash Said in the Hit Song, “I Can See Clearly Now”
My inaugural blog post for Coach’s Corner with Dr. K was a personal story of my own train ride of life and how I was drawn to coaching. I used the metaphor of a train ride to capture my own ups and downs professionally and personally over the years. As I look back over the past year, I am really grateful that my train pretty much stayed on track for most of the year. Sure, my train didn’t always go as fast or as far as I was hoping for – e.g., I didn’t find the time to complete the training for my Therapy Dog Certification with my golden retriever Bob; I didn’t get down to the targeted weight I was hoping for; and I didn’t find the time to get my MBTI or DiSC certifications. My train didn’t always run on time or according to the schedule I had put together earlier in the year. No, sometimes life just got in the way of completing these goals but the downtime for my train seemed much more manageable than it had been in the past. I feel that’s some real progress – notice how I am acknowledging myself!
I did do some pretty cool things too in 2015. I was able to launch a new coaching company and website on time and met some incredible people along the way; I had a chance to reconnect with some dear friends from the old days of working in NYC; I completed the Broad Street 10 mile run in Philadelphia in May and a sprint triathlon in July with my daughter with my new replacement hip still intact; Oh yeah, and I took a ride on the big roller coaster at Jenkinson’s Pavilion in Point Pleasant twice – once in July and another time in October – both times without getting sick – how about that!
2015 was in the words of Larry David “Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good”. It was a year of self-discovery, of hope and optimism, of trying to understand things in new ways. It was a year that makes me feel excited and blessed to see what new things I might learn in my 61st year – like signing up for guitar lessons; learning how to dance like Jean Dujardin and Berenice Bejo in the hit movie The Artist; or in making more creative videos for my family, friends, and especially for my company website, and just trying to live each moment as it comes.
So I begin 2016 feeling awfully blessed and energized by a timeless and powerful quote from Matthew 7:7-9 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”
And, there is something else I learned during this past year. Just like the lyrics from Johnny Nash’s #1 hit song I Can See Clearly Now, I TOO CAN see more clearly now than I did a year ago, one filled with nothing but blue skies ahead.
Wishing all of my friends and colleagues all of God’s many blessings in 2016 and hoping you can find that rainbow you’ve been praying for!
Warm regards, Dr. K
