“Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends. Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends. Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.”
“With a Little Help from My Friends”, lyrics by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, vocals by Ringo Starr from the album, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club’s Band (1967)
Whenever I hear this beautiful song about friendship by the Beatles or the Joe Cocker version from the soundtrack of that great late 80s/early 90s TV series The Wonder Years, it always puts a big smile on my face and makes me grateful for all of the friends who have helped me along the way in my personal, professional, and spiritual development.
For many of us, friendship has taken on an even deeper meaning during COVID-19 because of the physical separation and social isolation we have had to endure with friends and family members alike. The lyrics of this song are a powerful and timely reminder that the best friends in life are like the guardrails that are placed along the roadway and designed to keep people or vehicles from unintentionally straying into dangerous territory or making that wrong turn.
I know that in my own life, there have been moments where I felt as if I had “gone off the rails” with behavioral patterns far removed from that higher ground of where I had always hoped I could reside or where my faith was calling me to be. And there have also been moments where I felt as if I had crashed through my own guardrails, tumbling down into a basement of despair where feelings of desolation, depression, fear of the future, and a lack of confidence surrounded my every thought. My strong sense is that many of you might have experienced similar moments in your own walk of life.
Discerning Our Personal, Professional, and Spiritual Guardrail Friends
All of us embrace friendships throughout our personal and professional life and we know instinctively that our friends can influence our thoughts, our actions, our decisions, and the quality of our lives. For me, a guardrail in the context of a friendship is a standard of behavior that becomes a matter of our own conscience. For example, does our conscience stir up inside of us during those moments when:
- we are moving further away from what we want for our life.
- we pretend to be somebody we know that we are not.
- we bend to outside pressures that compromise our values.
- we hope that other people won’t find out where we’ve been or who we’ve been with and “to pardon what conscience dreads and to give what prayer dares not to ask”.
In all of these moments, our guardrail friends can make a huge difference in our decision making and how we approach the challenge at hand. Guardrail friends are those special friends who are fully present and involved in our personal, career, and spiritual development. They can provide protection for us and help us avoid the danger zone and those moments when we crash through our guardrails. In many ways, our guardrail friends perform a duty for us in much the same way that a Board of Directors protects the shareholders of a public company or a non-profit organization except here the singular focus is on the individual and his or her overall well-being. So, it’s important every now and then to discern who our guardrail friends are and who we can always turn to during those moments of personal and career challenge that so many of us are experiencing right now living through this global pandemic, the social unrest taking hold across the country, and the deep divisions and polarization that characterize much of our lived experience today.
Our Personal Guardrail Friends
The guardrail friends in our personal life come from all sorts of experiences — early childhood, neighborhood friends we grew up with, the sports teams and activities we were engaged in, the friends we met at college and graduate school, colleagues at work who we bonded with beyond the job itself, the other parents we got to meet through our children’s lived experience, etc. At times, these guardrail friends are like that tow truck that pulls the car out from the embankment after it has crashed through the guardrail. They are the guardrail friends who help us get out of that funk we may currently find ourselves in due to a difficult relationship, a disappointment, or the grief we feel from losing our job, a painful divorce or separation, or losing a dear loved one. Guardrail friends are the friends that can tell us things that although they are painful to hear, we know are true and needs to be heard.
Our Professional Guardrail Friends
Guardrail friends at work are the colleagues who can motivate us and inspire us to keep rowing our boat with both of our oars firmly planted in the water when things get really difficult — e.g., when the company we are working for is doing poorly or is in the process of being sold or going through a major strategic challenge; your job performance isn’t where it needs to be; the team you manage is dysfunctional and you are unsure how to make things run more smoothly; or when your new boss and the others you must interact with to be successful in your own position have different management styles; Guardrail friends in the professional context are all of those people who have unselfishly mentored us throughout our career journey, who help us restore our self-confidence when we lose our job, didn’t get the new job we wanted, or the promotion we thought we deserved. They are the mentors and the leaders who motivate us to be persistent and to stay “in the zone” of maximum performance. They are the guardrail friends who help you discern when it’s appropriate to rise to the challenge at hand and “step up our game” or when it’s time to pivot and change the direction of our career and move to a different and more fulfilling opportunity. Guardrail friends are the friends who can provide us the information, the feedback, the ideas, and the action steps that help tell us “Yes, I can do this”.
Our Spiritual Guardrail Friends
Spiritual guardrail friends are the friends who can help us stay on that higher road of where our faith encourages us to be. For me, it’s someone like St. Ignatius of Loyola or St. Paul who by their life example and writings help me focus on what I need to do to stay on that higher road of faith, hope, and charity; the friends who can guide me to the pathway that I know I need to stay on to become the best version of myself and that person who God always intended me to be. Spiritual guardrails like the Pastors, parish Priests, Deacons, Ministers, Rabbis, and Imam we meet along the way, all of whom help us make the best choices in our spiritual development and that align with our faith. Spiritual guardrails like the various ministries available to all of us that can help change our own life and the lives of those around us. Ministries where men and women personally share their own faith journey through the power of witness, the roadblocks and the challenges they encountered along the way, and the inner peace and grace that can come when our lived experience is shared with others.
Some Questions to Help You Discern Who Your Guardrail Friends Are
So, as we head into the next phase of the global pandemic, ask yourself who your own guardrail friends are in your personal, professional, and spiritual development?
- Who are the friends that have kept you from going off the rails and staying firmly planted on the higher ground you seek?
- Do you respond better to your guardrail friends when they employ a Fixer, problem solver approach that is direct, emphatic, and declarative in their interactions with you? Or, do you prefer the guardrail friends who exhibit a personal style that is more empathetic, embracing patience, active listening, and one that through conversation asks you thoughtful questions that can help you navigate to that better place?
- Do your guardrail friends share their own mistakes and vulnerabilities with you and if so, is that sharing helpful to you in addressing your own vulnerabilities and ability to move forward? Could sharing your own vulnerability with someone else be a potential pathway for their own healing?
- Have your guardrail friends been patient with you and do they understand that some of your shortcomings and the things you might struggle with like persistent bad habits and self-destructive behaviors can take a lifetime to address? Is there an approach from their own lived experience that could be a helpful step to your own healing and willingness to make a commitment to a positive change in your life?
- If there is a spiritual element in your life, who are the guardrail friends that help you stay on that high road that aligns with the teachings of your faith? Are there tools, practices, and habits from their lived experience that could help you in your own faith journey?
Who Can I Become a Guardrail Friend For?
In the same way that we are blessed to have many guardrail friends who help us in our personal, professional, and spiritual development, this could also be an opportune time to ask yourself who you could be a guardrail friend for? Questions like:
- Have I ever been the inspired guardrail for someone else’s life and how did that make you feel?
- Have I ever been that good tow truck for someone else and helped them get back on their feet after suffering a major loss, a career setback, a health challenge, an addiction, or other unhealthy habits?
- Are there some people you know in your personal, professional, or spiritual part of your life who are like the lone sheep who drifted away in The Parable of the Lost Sheep and who need a guardrail friend like you? Could you be that special person to someone, that tow truck that can bring them back from the basement of despair and be that bridge to a more hopeful tomorrow? Could you be that special guardrail friend who can help someone stay on that higher ground they aspire to?
A Little Prayer for All of Those in Need of a Special Guardrail Friend
As we reflect on this extraordinary and challenging period of our lives, we express gratitude for all of the guardrail friends who have made a meaningful difference in our personal, professional, and spiritual development. We also offer our prayers for everyone around the world who is battling addiction, an illness, and living in poverty; we pray for those in jail, for those who have hurt us, for people born with disabilities, for the aged and the infirm, for those suffering from self-destructive behaviors, and for those who live on the streets and on migrant trails; we also pray for all of the victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse, for those whose lives have been affected by the wild fires and other disasters around the world, and we pray especially for all of those brothers and sisters on the frontlines who are battling the coronavirus, those engaged in seeking a vaccine, and especially for all of those souls that we have lost to this deadly pandemic.
Lord, help all of those that we are praying for today and every day find that special guardrail friend who can help them heal, find the inner peace that they deserve, and to restore a sense of hope for a better and brighter tomorrow.
Wishing all of my clients, fellow coaches, former colleagues, and friends the gift of hope and God’s many blessings,
Dr. K
